I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
