I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
