What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
