I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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