I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He did a backflip because drugs
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