So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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