Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
