No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
