Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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