She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
