Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
