So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
someone owes me an orgasm
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
