bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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