I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
