I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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