i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am full of burrito and curiosity
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
