i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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