While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
