What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
