Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
