I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
