Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
