i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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