oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
