yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
