My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
