Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
