I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
