12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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