My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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