The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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