I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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