Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
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What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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