There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
