$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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