wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
pop tarts are not kleenex
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
