You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
