Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
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There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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