I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
