So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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