dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
