If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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