Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
