You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
