I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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