Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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