my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Randomize
