Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
