just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
