hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
