You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
