A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
