whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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