the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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