i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
