omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
