During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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