Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize