Your dad touched me again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
