9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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